she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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