I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
