I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
