Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
