im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
