Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
