well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
