when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My cat gives me a boner
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
In America we eat man semen.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
