i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
