I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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