did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
