I should be sponsored by Trojan
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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