Will you blow on my dice?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
