My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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