I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
