I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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