Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
