There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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