I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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