just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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