I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
