I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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