Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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