Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
