Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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