im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
