After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
