Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
