Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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