i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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