He uses pillows to masturbate.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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