Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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