I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
