you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
