Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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