Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
