I'm drive I can fine osifer
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
