RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
