I'm gonna have a badass scar
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
