Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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