I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize