he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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