he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
