I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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