you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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