i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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