Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
