I haven't been this sober since birth.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is my gift to your gina
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
