my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
