dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
