Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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