Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
