life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
