I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
