On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
