I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
