OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
