i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
