I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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