Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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