alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
